


Too Much but Never Enough

by Maskrosfe



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms
Genre: Canon Divergence, Fake Dating, Give Misa Rights Agenda, L and Light are not handcuffed, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Polyamorous Character, Slow Burn, Trans Character, skinny love, this is MY sleepover and I GET TO decide what warms my special interest heart!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25553734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maskrosfe/pseuds/Maskrosfe
Summary: Oh to have the cute guy at work care for you...
Relationships: L/Matsuda Touta, Past Matsuda Touta/Yagami Souichirou
Comments: 9
Kudos: 58





	1. Black, Brown and Yellow

**Author's Note:**

> I think L and Matsuda deserved a longer sort of multi-chapter slowburn deal so I spun this one in hyperfixation
> 
> My self-image as a writer is based on the hybris I recieve when loved ones compliment me, but I hope it's decent enough tp enjoy for you aswell reader, whoever you may be!
> 
> Thank you for tuneing in !!
> 
> TW for discussing sexual harrassment in chapter one, if only very mildy

L didn't eavesdrop. L listened. The distinction was very important, because one meant to scheme and the other to be observant. Previously the distinction had been sort of a non-issue to the man who spent most of his time alone, but walking down the hotel corridors this specific night, L could suddenly feel that changing.

"Matsuda calm down, you have to get it together."

" ME? Get it together, ME? What about YOU! WHY are you letting him do this?"

Ah. Sounded like his new-found co-workers were just around the corridor corner. 

" It isn't UP to me. I may not like his methods but they are known to work."

"WORK?! Chief with all due respect you know VERY VERY WELL that torture doesn't work, no matter how smart or cunning the torturers are– and your son’s girlfriend is the victim!!!!! "

"Matsuda-"

"YOU KNOW that whatever he is doing ISN'T just, why won’t you stand up to him?!"   
  
“Matsuda he suspects my son. I do not want to cast further suspicion onto Light by potentially standing in the way of Ryuzaki's investigation”

Separated by the corner alone, L could very much hear the brazen mocking laugh Matsuda replied with..

  
“Chief, that is fiendish, choose to believe in your son instead of shying away from doing your work! After everything I’ve learned from you, I can’t believe you don’t care about something like this.”

“I DO care-"   
  
“Care enough to stand up to injustice you apparently do NOT.”   
  
**BAM.**   
L couldn't help put tense up when Soichiro’s palm hit the wall.   
  
“QUIET. STOP BEHAVING LIKE A CHILD."

Completely wrapped up in his co-workers’ business, and also too tense to move, L listened to the silence following the older police officer's shouting. He wondered if it was perhaps fair to eavesdrop when the conversation was about him.

"I am still your superior Touta, don't fool yourself into thinking you can speak like that to me just because I let you suck my dick."

Soichiro sharp whispers seemed to pin Matsuda down just as much as it did L.   
  
“I...”

His voice had lost next to all of its vigor.   
  
" You don’t understand what any of us in there have to lose from this. Do YOU have any family to protect? Do you have ANYONE to protect? All you do is beg for affirmation and praise as you balance on your high horse, thinking you're better for not having anything to lose, is that it? Thinking yourself better for being foolishly eager??"

As Soichiro’s word of accusation hung in the air, it grew obvious that Matsuda was not going to reply. All that L could hear were ragged breaths escaping, as if Matsuda was holding back tears.

"....Matsuda… I’m sorry that was-"

"No" the younger man blubbered.

  
"I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow."

  
“Matsuda-!!”   
Swift footsteps could be heard closing in on L as Matsuda suddenly appeared in his line of sight as he rounded the corner. The corridors were dark, but L could still make out Matsuda’s face. It was completely knitted shut, some unwelcome tears forming. His fists looked hard, shut tight as well as-   
  


**BONK**

Ah. He forgot to move.

Matsuda opened his eyes in wide surprise, facing L's chin. Mortified, he turned his head up to face L’s face instead.

"S- Sorry!" He whispered loudly, unwelcome tears finally spilling over down his chin.

L didn't know what to say, it was clear that they had been fighting about him, yet the conversation had seemed like one not for him to hear.

Should he or should he not apologize for eavesdropping? When Matsuda suddenly stepped back, L couldn’t help but be made aware of how close they had been standing.

  
Matsuda was in fact still very close. Closer than any of them had ever been to L before, and Matsuda… His irises. Were visible despite the dark. They glistened because of the tears, but were also tinted with yellows and browns. L had always thought of Matsuda’s eyes as black and grey, and from far away that was definitely the case. Yet. His irises had. They were freckled with color. 

  
As he continued to stare directly at Matsuda’s eyes, the color red spread throughout the other’s cheeks, and he hiccuped.   
Matsuda bowed, quickly excusing himself as he hurried away from L down the corridor. 

L traced the escapee with his gaze, surprised to find himself dumbfounded.   
  
“Ryuzaki.”   
  
L turned around to face Soichiro. The old chief was pale. His face would often linger on tired and focused. Twisted in worry was a rather new look.   
  
“I’m.. I’m so sorry for what you might have heard. I would gladly sort it out with you properly at a later moment, in fact I insist, but it’s important that I find Matsuda. Did you see which hall he chose to storm off to?”   
  
L hesitated, and then he slowly lifted his finger to point to the hall Matsuda did indeed storm off to.

“Thank you”   
  
Soichiro ran after, leaving L staring down the hall. He couldn’t really see anything.

\-----------

L and Watari walked through the doors of another hotel early the next day. Watari held the door open for L as usual, and he walked right in without a second thought.   
This hotel was lavishly decorated with greens and yellows, and just by the lobby lay a tiny café. Open yet completely empty this early in the morning.    
Besides one man in fact, L could see now. A man with dark locks, hunched over his order with a despairing aura.   
  
“Matsuda-san”, Watari stated with surprise. Greeted, rather. For the man in the cafe was in fact Matsuda Touta.   
His tired gaze lifted from the coffee cup then and, with equal recognition and surprise, saw Watari and L before him.   
He abruptly reached for his belt with worry.   
  
“Did I??... Did I accidentally set it o- off??” he said as he inspected the special alarm belt that Watari had given to the taskforce.   
  
“Oh goodness no” Watari assured him, and smiled. Matsuda replied in turn with a smile of his own, albeit confused.   
  
“We’re going to meet here tonight” L explained. From this far away, he couldn’t see the freckles of color residing in Matsuda’s eyes.   
  
“Oh!” Matsuda exclaimed with a weak laugh.   
“I live very close by, so I drink my morning coffee here sometimes”   
  
L clicked his tongue and turned to Watari.   
“Then we need to find another hotel for tonight, you said you knew one with big suites further down.”   
  
“Nonono”, Matsuda insisted as he got up from the chair that he had previously occupied.   
  
“This is a good spot and shouldn’t be a problem at all. Going out of our way to avoid certain hotels and areas would only raise suspicion as to why, for someone potentially managing to track us”, he stated matter-of-factly. L stroked his upper lip with his thumb.   
  
“Alright”, he said, and Watari nodded in approval. Watari then turned to Matsuda with a smile, and asked:   
  
“Could Matsuda-san help us unpack the equipment?”   
  


\----   
A thing that Matsuda had never reflected upon before but which he was now sure of: the café where he had his morning coffee was connected to THE largest hotel in Tokyo.   
Or, well. At least one of the largest. Most certainly the very tallest, there was simply no other explanation for the fact that the elevator ride took _ forever _ .    
He didn’t know how to bring up yesterday. L had been there, right? So he must’ve heard.    
Surely L was testing his loyalty and honesty at this very moment, and if Matsuda did not bring up yesterday to apologize before they reached their destination he was sure to be fired. On. The. Spot. No doubt about it.   
How would he start? ‘About yesterday’ seemed like a good option but his lips wouldn’t move. He was focusing so intently on breaking the silence that he almost dropped the boxes of equipment he was carrying in surprise when L did so before him.   
  
“Is Yagami-san sexually harassing you, Matsuda-san?    
  
“W-” Matsuda steadied the boxes “what???”   
  
“Yesterday” L said and turned his head slightly towards Matsuda, looking him in the eyes.   
“I heard some of your conversation.” With Matsuda’s mouth agape, processing, he added:   
“I’m sorry for eavesdropping.”

"No I… you…" Matsuda shut his eyes in shame.

"I'm sorry for everything I said about you."

"Sorry for what?"

"Sorry for- well if… if I have a problem with the way you run things I should bring it up with you directly."

"You did"

"I did?"   
Clinging to the boxes, Matsuda dared open his eyes to look at L, who was not looking back.

"If you mean your opinion on how we're holding Misa captive, you did state your dislike for the treatment as soon as we began it. It was not very hard to understand that you did not like it."

"Well… I really don't"

Matsuda was daring L by staring at him sternly. L looked back then, into the officer’s eyes. He had not imagined the speckles of color in Matsuda's otherwise dark grey eyes. They were there, and they were pretty.

"And I think you should consider a different approach."

The shorter man turned his stare away from L at that, making L praise himself for having taken the chance to check if he had been correct yesterday about the eyes.   
  
“But I should not have been talking like that behind your back”, Matsuda admitted, rather softly compared to his previous stare.   
  


"Hmm.. I consider many things all the time" L said, his gaze still on Matsuda. Matsuda began to feel claustrophobic with the growing tension. He did not know if L was angry at him or genuinely unfazed, and he especially had no idea what to say next. As the elevator doors finally opened and freed the men from its clutches, Matsuda found himself stuck on a prayer of relief inside his mind.

  
Watari rolled his cart filled with food out of the elevator, and L followed suit, carrying nothing.

Noticing he was the only one still in the elevator, Matsuda hurried into the penthouse-like suite with the other two, balancing the boxes in hand.

"I wanted to tell you that we take workplace harassment seriously, and should you wish protection or legal actions Watari can assist" L said, practically as soon as Matsuda got out of the elevator.

Dumbfounded by the swift change in conversation, Matsuda took a few seconds to figure out what L was talking about. When he understood, another wave of guilt washed over him.   
  
“Oh no. No no Soi- Mr Yagami would never, he- Well the conversation just got heated yesterday and he was being a little mean about things, but he has not and would never sexually harass me, or anyone I think. We have… well.”   
Matsuda cringed.   
  
“We’re… familiar since a bit back. Sometimes intimately so. We’re not dating or anything but–”   
  
L’s silence as he patiently listened to Matsuda ramble began to throw him off. This was so embarrassing, but L had to know more about it now that he knew a little, or else he might suspect their morality.   
“I mean, you know he’s married and has children, but his wife, who’s lovely, she adores peaches and I always bring her some when I visit, well they’re in an open relationship and he’s not cheating, so you don’t have to doubt his morality- oh and he’s been swinging with his wife for a long time so you can know it does in no shape or form affect his work- We also spoke about it yesterday, so neither of us are a liability either because of-”   
  
Matsuda paused and looked at L. The taller man was making a quiet ‘shh’ noise, barely noticeable, but the gesture of his index finger pressed toward his lips tipped Matsuda off, and he stopped his rambling.   
  
“I trust you without your life’s story, I just wanted to be in the clear”, he said, unraveling the already unraveled Matsuda with the sheer contrast in their anxiousness about the topic. L seemed to be completely unmoved by the unfolding of facts and events before him.   
  
“Oh well...sorry. It’s all fine”   
Matsuda hesitantly confirmed and then looked over at Watari unpacking ingredients for food and sweets. The old man seemed to show the same interest in the situation as L did, none that is.   
  
“Matsuda-san, could you bring those boxes over here?” Watari said, and pointed towards a corner in their hotel room. Matsuda felt like he had nothing more to add by this point, and so embarrassingly unvocal, he did as Watari asked.   
  
When he was about to leave, he had already helped Watari and L carry several boxes up to the top level of the hotel. They thanked him for his help and excused him.    
It was 8 AM when Matsuda pressed the elevator button, calling it to the top floor.   
L walked up to him, knocking on his shoulder gently.   
  
“Yes?” Matsuda asked, still rather dazed and embarrassed. Had he embarrassed Soichiro too? His head itched with possibilities. L pulled out five 10’000 yen notes and handed them to Matsuda. Matsuda just stared.   
  
“50’000 yen?” He asked carefully, unsure of what was going on.   
  
“Yes, as a thank you for your help with the equipment. So you can get a good breakfast”, L said. Matsuda tried to understand if this was a joke, but L showed no signs of it. All he did was stare Matsuda in the eyes.   
  
“This… is too much for breakfast”, he confessed.   
  
“That’s alright”, L dismissed, still staring Matsuda in the eyes.

  
**BLING**

  
With the arrival of the elevator Matsuda decided that he could just ask about this tonight. He bid them farewell and they waved him goodbye as the elevator shut, smoothly bringing him down to earth.


	2. Wanting to be good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matsuda ponders, and then he reaches conclusions.

Matsuda decided to keep his mouth shut about L’s methods. At least to his face. Plus the face of anyone else for that matter. Conversations with Soichiro made it clear that such complaints would bear no fruit, which Matsuda grew to agree on.  
It was nice that he and Soichiro unraveled their mess, both apologizing in the end. Things never really grew back between them afterwards though. It was the Kira case, really. His son being a suspect really stressed Soichiro out, and there was no time left for Matsuda. Or kissing. He felt a little bad to admit it, but it was the kissing that Matsuda missed the most.

He didn’t love Soichiro. He admired him, and. Ok. He had some father issues. He was not one to deny that, nor was he one to deny the presence of an older, authoritative gentleman guiding him, loving him and making him, hah. Cum. Reeally well. Still, it was the touching and kissing he liked the most. Now he was just hurt. Whatever.

What Yagami had said about Matsuda not having anyone to protect… it wasn’t true of course. He loved his grandmother for one! But he didn’t have that many friends.   
At work he had, but the other members of the task force had more friends and family outside of work. People that, not to be rude, meant more to them than Matsuda did. He knew that.   
Sitting by his desk sorting evidence, he huffed. Probably even L had that. He imagined the man with a secret large house somewhere, filled with family that he never spoke about to keep them from danger. Embraced and loved whenever he returned home.

The screen showing Misa turned on, L was trying to speak to her again. Matsuda got closer, to watch L’s fruitless efforts together with Aizawa. The world’s greatest detective seemed totally unfaced by the cruelty. Matsuda deflated, perhaps L did things like this alot? He couldn’t help but comment:

“Poor girl, she’s only in her early 20’s… this is way too much.”

L turned to stare at him then. It wasn’t an angry stare (probably), but Matsuda felt nervous nonetheless.

This routine continued.   
The following days of surveillance, Matsuda wouldn't directly oppose any of L’s methods.   
He would however comment on them, claiming sympathy for Misa Amane, and L would always look at him. Not to protest or anything, in fact L never spoke a word about it.

Matsuda would eventually begin to feel L’s eyes on him even at times when Matsuda didn’t comment. When he was just quietly working. Surely to keep him in check, Matsuda thought.

By the time that Soichiro had put himself in confinement alongside Light, Matsuda was always either watching Soichiro or watching L watching Soichiro. Kinda. He had other tasks, the watching just felt like the most dominant and time consuming one. It was so slow and dull and sad, but he kept looking. Even during his breaks.   
Even when the work day was officially over.

He worried for Soichiro. It hurt him to see his idol deteriorate on screen before him, growing tired and weak. His son too. Matsuda cared greatly for Light as well, but Light showed less despair. He didn’t have the aura of someone strong turned helpless, Light still seemed in control.   
Matsuda groaned, hiding his face in his hands. He was sitting in front of the screen right now, but he didn’t want to see anymore.  
Both Light and Soichiro were sleeping, but Misa couldn’t. It was night, but she didn’t know that of course. How could she have known that. Matsuda suddenly jolted to the screen. He didn’t see it before, but Misa had begun singing to herself for comfort. A beautiful calm, comforting voice deserving of an adoring audience, but only Matsuda as her witness. He cried. What else was there to do?

Misa fell asleep eventually. Matsuda stayed awake. He was all alone in the office, resting against the chair in a manner that offered an almost lying position. Tears were still falling off his cheeks. He closed his eyes to get some rest. Without success.

Tell-tale barefoot steps approached him. They stopped next to his chair, and he squinted his eyes open to see if it was who he knew it to be.

“Matsuda-san is here late”, L stated.

“Mmm”, he replied, shutting his eyes again.  
He didn’t care if L saw him crying, he wasn’t one to hide how he felt. Besides, L didn’t care. L was going to say ‘get out of my office and go home’ but Matsuda would say ‘no’ and make L angry like he deserved to be. The whole thing was clear as a day in Matsuda’s head, he only awaited the cold-hearted voice to put it all into play.

Yet, instead of complaining, L reached down and hugged Matsuda. Now Matsuda’s eyes were wide-open.  
L’s body was lukewarm. Light and soft. Matsuda’s heart raced with confusion at the touch of lean arms wrapping around him.

“It will be alright” L said in his usual monotone voice, releasing Matsuda from the hug. The flustered police officer knew it wouldn’t (how could it be, after all of this) but he didn’t object, he just laid there. L’s pale face revealed some hint of color at the silence, caught by Matsuda’s owl-like stare.

“You should go home”, he said.

Matsuda supposed then, that he was right.

“Okay.”

“Should I pay for a taxi?” L asked as matsuda got off the chair.

“No”, he replied as he packed up his stuff. He wanted to say ‘don’t bother’ but he didn’t. He felt embarrassed and dazed again, just like at the hotel that morning.

“Thank you for your hard work”, he said, sure to show that he was not without manners, bowing gently at L but avoiding his gaze. Then he rushed out, walking all the way home to his apartment with quick steps.

\-------

“CHIEF, KIRA IS BACK AT IT!” Matsuda exclaimed, gripping the microphone with both hands as he beamed out the news. L, who sat right next to him, stared at him again. Probably with shock, considering Matsuda had come bursting into the surveillance office and grabbed his microphone without a second of hesitation. Matsuda didn’t care if he had been rude, the life returning to Soichiro Yagami’s eyes was worth it.

“You mean-”

“YES”, Matsuda replied.

“Kira killed 20 criminals this very morning, despite Misa and Light still being locked up!” He knew Soichiro couldn’t see his smile, but it mimicked Soichiro’s own nonetheless. Matsuda’s heart had been heavy as a stone, and now suddenly it was lighter than a feather. Soichiro had been so, so despaired. Now he wasn’t! Immediately thinking of Light next, Matsuda switched the feed over to his cell. Matsuda wanted to see the life return to his eyes too, and after that they could tell Misa the good news as well. Feeling absolutely euphoric for the first time in a long while, and for the first time ever as a result of several murders, he reached for the mic leading to Light’s cell.

“MATSUDA-KUN”  
The force of a cold hand stopped Matsuda’s dead in its tracks. Not only his hand grew still at the surprise, but everyone else in the room did as well. None of them had ever heard L yell like that.

a soft “-kun?” escaped Aizawa lips underneath his breath, probably in pure surprise rather than at will. It seemed like the rest of the team present shared confusion about that detail as well.

“I mean, Matsuda-san. Don’t tell Light or Misa the news yet”, he said. L didn’t look at Matsuda, he was looking at the screen, but his soft palm was merely resting against Matsuda’s hand. Which meant that L wasn’t restricting his movement. Surprised to find himself moved rather greatly by that act of trust and respect, he obeyed L’s order without any fuss and put his hand down.   
L did not look at Matsuda as he lied to Light and Misa over the feed, urging them to confess to being Kira. L didn’t stare at him even once after that.   
For the rest of the day, Matsuda was afforded the peace of not being observed. He filed some evidence documenting the latest Kira victims. He had a cup of coffee with Aizawa and Ide. He spoke some with Soichiro through the feed.   
For the rest of the day, Matsuda afforded himself the opportunity to look at L, instead. He had not really looked before. L was taller than Matsuda had originally thought, he was just hunching all the time, making it easy to miss. Despite the way he carried himself, L wasn’t messy in the slightest. He was well-groomed and clean, and he never spilled food or drink on himself. L felt like a whole new person when you really looked.

Since the famed detective wouldn’t look at Matsuda again that day, he saw L’s back a lot.   
His back muscles seemed to be... surprisingly toned. Surprising because Matsuda had assumed L was rather weak and skinny underneath his baggy clothes. Meaning, maybe L wasn’t as physically weak as you’d think. Matsuda couldn’t help himself. Mysterious, authoritative, strong (??), respectful of Matsuda, handsome with ragged hair narrowing down the nape of his neck- woops. Yes. Matsuda was impressed by L, and in the time it took for a single heartbeat to occur, Matsuda was also falling for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading !! <3


	3. Man Tian Xian Tao

Matsuda gently explored the tip of the teacup with his finger. He drew circles around it, following the brim of the porcelain cup as he tried to steady his emotions. A deep breath. 

This china set was one of Watari's. It was beautiful, decorated with roses in pink and brown hues. Accented with golden vines and leaves, unraveling all around the cup. The old mysterious butler usually brewed some common type of black English tea in this, but instead of that, the steaming cup was now filled with flowering Man Tian Xian Tao tea. Adorned with borage flowers and a tiny piece of lemon that Matsuda had painstakingly cut to the right size.

"It’s just a nice cup of tea", he whispered to himself, before cringing slightly at how insecure he was acting. Matsuda placed the cup on a tray along with a cup of sugar and walked out of the break room with determination.

L was sitting by his computer when Matsuda entered the room. Soichiro, now free from his confinement along with Misa and Light (long story) was talking something over with Aizawa at the other end of the room. Beside L sat Light, who was now also helping with the case. Matsuda walked up to them.

"Ryuzaki-san." He coughed, composing himself. Light turned to face him, but L didn’t. He seemed to be in the middle of something.

"I brought you some tea", Matsuda managed. L turned his gaze to him then and looked at the cup Matsuda had brought over.

"Hm? Where’s Watari?"

"Oh he's over there", Matsuda explained, pointing at Watari folding laundry in the corner. L turned to look. There he was indeed. The famed detective turned his face back to Matsuda and the tray in his nervous grip.

“You brought me tea”, L stated.

"It's nothing strange!" Matsuda hurried to explain "My grandma showed me this brew, for shabbat we would always- well it's tasty! I was brewing some last friday. I always work fridays but I still brew this- it's just nice! It feels special! Watari actually asked if he could taste some when he saw me make it last friday"

Light gave Matsuda an unimpressed look over L’s shoulder. ‘Get on with it’ threatening to form at his lips any minute. L just asked:  
  
“Did Watari like it?”   
  
Matsuda smiled.   
“Yes! He told me to brew some for you as well this week. You mostly seem to drink black tea and this is white but, it’s very pretty. It’s a little flower wrapped in jasmine tea.” He put the tray down at the desk and L looked into it. He inspected the tea in a peculiar manner, as he did everything, hovering his very face just above the rim of the cup. Lifting his face, a little damp from the steam, he turned to Matsuda.   
  
“Thank you, Matsuda-san” L said. It was really, really faint, but Matsuda was sure that he saw L smile at him before turning back to work, no longer facing Matsuda.   
  
“Hello?” Light said when all Matsuda did was stand there and fiddle with the hem of his work suit, looking at L with his tea.   
  
“Uh- yes! Yeah?”

“Could you go get me some coffee?” Light asked him, but it wasn’t really a question.  
  
“Sure”, he supposed. Why not. It was nice to stand up and walk around a little after countless hours of desk work. Matsuda made sure to ask his co-workers and Watari if he could get them something as well. Right before he was about to leave the room Watari grabbed his shoulder, turning him around, and gave him a discrete thumbs up, along with a proud smile. Matsuda nodded in thanks and left the room.   
  
As soon as he got out, Matsuda leaned against the closest wall to steady himself. _‘What was that ???’_ he asked himself as his face turned crimson, allowing his heart to beat.

\-----

"Matsuda-san" 

The voice of L suddenly coming from right in front of him made Matsuda almost drop his phone in surprise.

"L- no Ry-"

He looked over at the watch on the break room's wall, realizing his mistake.

  
"Oh Ryuzaki, I'm so sorry I got completely lost in thought, I’ll head back to work now!", he stated with alarm. Alarm that turned into confusion when L's hand, now on his shoulder, stopped him from getting all the way up from the couch.

In fact, L's hand not only stopped him from getting up, it led him to sit down again. 

"Ryuzaki-san??"

L retook his usual stance. Slouched with one hand in the pocket of his oversized baggy jeans, and the other stroking his lips as he spoke.

"Don't worry. I didn't come for your break."

"Oh."

Matsuda exhaled, sinking into the couch.

"I came because I had a proposition."

"H-huh??"

“It’s just a proposition. You can reply however you wish”, L confirmed. Matsuda nodded, accepting the terms.

“Misa wants to go on a date with Light, but I can’t let them leave either my view nor the site, since they are still suspects.”  
  
Matsuda nodded, following.   
  
“I told Misa I had to accompany them wherever they went, provoking a very displeased reaction from Misa-san. She pleaded with me to at least make it a double date, or Light wouldn’t want to do anything but focus on the Kira case”, L continued. Matsuda could very much imagine that. Wait a minute-   
  
“So you’ll… you want to… give her what she wants?” Matsuda asked, rather surprised. L didn’t really rework a perfectly decent plan for the personal wishes of any hypothetical person. He was incredibly stubborn in fact, as Matsuda might’ve guessed beforehand but now definitely knew. Why would he take such detours in his work for the sake of Misa Amane’s feelings?   
  
“Yes. I figured I owe it to her”, L said, chewing on the tip of his thumb as he stared at Matsuda.   
  
“Ryuzaki..” Matsuda smiled, sitting up properly on the sofa again.   
  
“Well!” He said, slapping his hands against his knees in determination.   
“It’s my dutiful task to help you out in whatever way I can! What would you like me to do?”   
  
“Be my date”   
  
“...your date” Tingling.   
  
“Huh- wait, _your_ date?” Tingling through his toes, his knees, up his entire torso, up to his head, making it spin. Making it light. _What? What?_

“Your… You want me to be your–”   
  
“Date. Yes. For the double date.” L confirmed.   
  
_DOES HE KNOW_ was all that ran through Matsuda’s head. _How did he know??_ Was Matsuda’s entire back filled with Cupid’s arrows?! Was it THAT obvious?!   
Ah.   
He just remembered that L was the world’s greatest detective. Of COURSE he knew. He probably knew way before Matsuda knew. L probably knew before Matsuda was even born!! 

“Oh, hah” Matsuda steadied himself with one hand on the sofa. The idea of him falling off the break room sofa was ridiculous, but he couldn’t help but be afraid of doing just that.

  
“Well… why me?” He managed. If L was trying to mock him he had to up his game. Maybe L wasn’t such a good detective if he’d thought that Matsuda had never been mocked like this before.   
  
“Someone in the task force would be preferred” L said, receiving a silent laugh from Matsuda.   
  
“There are plenty of good men in the task force”   
  
L gave a soft grunt at that response.   
“Yes _including_ you, plus you’re the closest to me in age. If I picked one of you to date, you’re the one I’d pick” He sank even lower than he was already hunching, leaning his head to the side.   
  
“It made sense to me, but I have others I can ask outside the task force too. It’s completely up to you Matsuda-san” He said, looking to the left rather then directly at Matsuda. The lovestruck police officer couldn’t believe his eyes, much less so his ears but he honestly hadn’t even begun to process what L had said. The tall detective’s face was cold, revealing nothing, except a very faint hue of pink stretching across his cheeks. Matsuda had never seen anything like it. He really, really wanted to see more.

“Touta-kun” He said, pulling L out of his low hunch. As he straightened, rising in height, Matsuda rose to. Standing up completely, he looked L in the eye.  
  
“If we “date” you shouldn’t call me Matsuda-san, you should-”   
  
“Call you Touta-kun” L caught on. Matsuda could feel his heart beat loud and clear, and sincerely hoped that L couldn’t. Even if this did turn out to be mockery aimed at him, Matsuda would gladly partake if it meant L would blush where he could see. Real or not, it was absolutely beautiful.   
  
“Yea” he confirmed softly. L gave him one of those barely visible grins of his as the man brought his thumb to his lips, stroking them gently.   
  
“Fun”, L whispered, staring back into Matsuda’s eyes.


	4. Matsuda Touta. You are Vibing Out There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matsuda can't believe this fake-date thing is actually happening

The café was brightly lit with yellows and teal adorning the walls, which were lavishly decorated with a diverse set of house plants among framed pictures of coffee and desserts.    
Misa sat down at a table covered with a red-and-white checkered cloth, the seats varying in pastel yellow, blue and red. Light was tugged into following by her side and L sat down across them with Matsuda joining him. A perfect 4-seat booth. Misa grinned at Matsuda.   
  
“Ryuzaki, when you said that you also had a date you wanted to bring today, I had no idea you were talking about one of the old men from the task force”, she beamed shamelessly.   
  
“I’m right here Misa”, Matsuda muttered.   
  
“Maybe I like my men old, just like you like yours young”, L said.   
  
“I’m right h- I’m not that much older than either of you two!” Matsuda protested.   
  
“Well..” Misa added in disbelief.   
  
“Sorry Touta-kun”, L replied. At hearing L actually, casually using his first name a mere few centimeters to his left, Matsuda couldn’t help but grow tense.   
  
“Ryuzaki... you and Matsuda are not _ really  _ dating, are you?” Light asked with great suspicion towards their brilliant act.

“Why of course we are Light. We’re on a double date with you and Misa as we speak.”   
  
“That’s not-” Light began, but his protest towards L’s statement was cut short by the waiter suddenly appearing to hand them a pair of menus.   
  
“I can really recommend our freshly baked apple pie today, and for a refreshing drink we have our locally famous strawberry rhubarb float!” the waiter beamed.    
“We, of course, offer all kinds of drinks and treats. Before you is a full list of our assortment”, they went on as the group skimmed their menus.   
  
“Could I have a cup of coffee and the Lemon & Mint Sorbet please”. Light was first to order.   
  
“I would like the same!” exclaimed Misa. “But not a coffee, I’d like the Rhubarb Strawberry Float instead”.   
  
“Absolutely”, the waiter said and nodded as they wrote Light’s and Misa’s orders down.   
  
“I would like a cup of coffee as well as a piece of that freshly baked apple pie”, Matsuda informed their waiter in turn. L didn’t order, his attention was on Matsuda.  _ ‘Alright’ _ Matsuda figured.

  
“And for mMy RyU-kun... a Tiramisu ANd a cup of blAck tEa With 6 cubes of SUgar in it”, his voice cracked as he continued. Sticking to the nickname he and L had previously decided on, his tension grew. Once he had said it his mind had kind of fogged up in alarm.   
Silently cursing himself to the other side of the moon for being The Most Embarrassing Person Alive, Matsuda missed the sight of the ever so gentle blush adorning L’s cheeks.   
  
“Aaawww”, Misa whispered once the waiter had left.   
  
“Are you twelve”, Light complained, more than unimpressed by all of it.   
  
“Aw stop it sweets, Matsuda-kun is just trying to be a real gentleman”. Misa smiled, poking Light’s arm with affection.   
  
“Au. Auch. A-” Light forcibly removed Misa’s hand with his own.   
“Don’t say ‘sweets’”, he demanded with a cringe. Misa just smiled and laid her head against his shoulder, clearly happy with her date despite his un-chivalrous manners.    
  
Matsuda kept being relieved by Misa not being locked up anymore. Everytime the memory of the ordeal reached his heart or thought he would sigh with relief, as if woken up from a bad nightmare. To see her smile and enjoy herself felt great! The way Light treated her irked him a little. He understood Light was most likely in a lot of stress because of everything, but still. Misa had gone through the same stress, if not more. It was as if Light didn’t even like his girlfriend in the slightest.   
  
“Here you go, ma’m”, the waiter said as they returned, handing Light his bowl of sorbet.   
  
“Aaaand that would be mine!” Misa chirped in and moved it from Light’s spot to hers.    
“My boyfriend Light ordered the same! Is his ready too?” she asked with a smile, the other bowl clearly in the waiter’s hand. A little flustered by their mistake, they gave Light his order.   
  


“Sorry sir, here you go. Your coffee will be right with you”. They turned to L and Matsuda, about to hand them their plates.   
  
“Bisexual men”, L stated matter-of-factly at their waiter before they got a chance to say anything at all. Their waiter paused their step, slightly confused by this statement. It didn’t particularly help that the statement was given by a man with his feet on the booth’s seat, knees in his face, who sported a large fish-like stare.   
  
“Right”, they said, and handed Matsuda and L their pie and tiramisu, before going back to the kitchen for their drinks.   
  
The rest of the group looked with perplexion at L. Misa couldn't help but laugh. Matsuda snickered as well. Light rolled his eyes and grabbed his spoon, ready to get this outing over with.   
  


"Why'd you say that for?" Matsuda asked L, smiling as he grabbed his own spoon to gently split his pie up.

"Clearly so that our waiter would address us correctly", L replied.

Misa snickered with delight, grabbing her own spoon, and asked:

"Your sexuality too?"

L stared a bit at Misa, then he put his hands on his knees, crouching together even more. Like a little sports bag someone had thrown to the side of the booth.

"Ah", he said, only now realizing the overflowing information he had given. Misa and Matsuda shared more laughter before Matsuda suddenly tensed up. His free hand had been resting on the table, and now L’s hand gently ghosted the back of it.

“Sorry Touta”, he said, surprising Matsuda with a stare that the man couldn’t figure out.   
  
“It’s? Oh it’s alright, what do you mean?” Matsuda asked, his heart beating, pushing up through his throat.   
  
“In case I embarrassed you”. L looked so small crouched over like that, Matsuda couldn’t help but take his hand and squeeze it. This caused L to sit up, surprising Matsuda with how not-small he actually was.   
  
“You didn’t!” the flustered man managed.   
Nodding, L picked up his spoon with the hand Matsuda wasn’t holding, and began eating his tiramisu. No longer looking at Matsuda.    
  
They were still holding hands, and Matsuda’s head was spinning. L didn’t let go of his hand, so he didn’t let go of L’s. Light was babbling about something by now. Misa dutifully listened and nodded along.    
Matsuda wasn’t really paying attention but, whatever Light was talking about, he was very sure of himself. Sure of himself the way many smart 19 year-olds with big ideas would be. Matsuda hadn’t been like that, he had just been angry at 19. He wondered how L was at 19. Had he been angry, or full of himself, or something else? His hand was sweating in L’s.   
  
“I’m gonna go to the toilet”, he lied, gently enough not to disturb Light’s monologue.   
  
“Bring some napkins!” Misa requested as he got up.    
  
The toilets weren’t hard to find, with their distinct signs in familiar yellow and teal. Best to go through with his lie he thought, before entering the men’s room. He went over to the basin and splashed cold water in his face.  _ Matsuda Touta. You are Vibing Out There _ he tried, before being hit with embarrassment when looking his mirror self in the eyes. Thankful to his brown olive skin for hiding his blush, if only slightly. Still, it couldn’t help him any with the warmth spreading. Nor could it do anything about his beating heart.  _ ARgH come on, get it together  _ he told his reflection while staring it down. He would NOT let himself get swept away in their fake relationship. Affliction brought on by his cursed puppy love syndrome wouldn’t get him this time.   
  
Affording himself a smile at his reflection, Matsuda remembered that he had been quite smitten with Soichiro as well in the beginning.    
In fact, this was just one of many instances when he had crushed on someone at work, and all of those times had worked out fine!   
It just felt different because L was L, but it was the same. Right. Exactly. 

Matsuda dried his face off with some paper towels. He felt more relaxed, if only slightly. It was enough to take a few deep breaths and rejoin the company. After breathing, he threw away the paper towels and went back out. 

"Matsuuiiiii, don't forget the napkins!" Misa sang out as soon as she saw Matsuda walk out of the bathroom, loudly for the whole café to hear. To be fair, Matsuda HAD forgotten he was supposed to get napkins. Despite the usefulness of her reminder, Light hushed her angrily. 

L looked over his shoulder at Matsuda, and smiled at him.

Matsuda’s warmth grew despite himself.

He plucked some of the napkins offered at the front and brought them over.

"Thank yoouuu", Misa cheered, taking some of the napkins from Matsuda and put them by her side. She didn't seem to have anything to use them for, making Matsuda wonder why she so suddenly had wanted them, but he took his seat nonetheless and began eating his pie. Rather than follow suit and enjoy her sweet, Misa was making strange gestures towards L.   
  
“You look very nice today, Touta-kun. I like your casual wear”, the man beside him suddenly confessed. L was eating away at his tiramisu while looking over at Matsuda, who only dared to slightly look back at him, tense once more.   
  
“O-oh?”   
  
“Yes. You look so nice in a suit that I completely forgot to contemplate how nice you’d look in a cardigan”, L continued. Matsuda could swear his blush was fully visible by now. Every little bit of him felt so exposed, and L could see everything. Everyone could see everything but L really looked. L saw because he had looked. Out the corner of his eyes Matsuda could see Misa smirking with two thumbs up.   
  
“oh R...ryu-kun thank you. Yo-u- look nice as well”, Matsuda managed, smiling at L.   
  
“Oh please”, Light sighed. “L’s just wearing the dirty old clothes he’s always wearing, and Matsuda your cardigan looks like something you found at a dead man’s estate auction.”   
  
“Well, it was my grandfather’s.”   
  
“Precisely”, Light muttered.   
  
“Aw hun..”, Misa sighed. “You don’t have to be jealous, we think you look nice too”   
  
“I know I do”, Light retorted, annoyed with Misa’s interruption.   
  
“Yes, Light-kun and Misa both look nice today too”, L offered. Light did not look pleased.   
  
“Thanks, whatever”, he said. “I’m just pointing out that your pretend flirting isn’t fooling anyone. The two of you would never date, and this dumb plot is only getting in our way of discussing how we can catch Kira”, Light continued, waving his hands around.   
In regret he soon noticed that he was still holding his spoon, and his careless gesturing had resulted in him getting sorbet on his cheeks and dress shirt.

In response, Misa didn’t hesitate making the use of the napkins apparent. Spitting on one, she reached towards Light’s cheek.

".....Misa, stop.”

"Wait just a little", she beamed, continuing to dab Light's face.

"Stop". He put his hand out, clearly gesturing his demand. Light took the napkin from her and finished the job before crumpling it up and putting it aside. Misa just smiled, seemingly happy with her endeavour.

"I was talking to Ryuzaki, and you interrupted me", Light painstakingly explained to his girlfriend as Matsuda watched, chewing his pie in big bites.

"Don't worry Light, Ryuzaki understands”. She cuddled up along Light's arm and gestured towards Matsuda.

Before registrering Misa's gesture, Matsuda felt the dab of a slightly wet napkin to  _ his _ cheek. 

"Touta-kun", Ryuzaki said ever so gently, removing crumbs from Matsuda’s face. L's large ghoulish eyes stared directly into his, similar to how one would look at paintings in a museum. Matsuda held his breath. He was afraid of moving, breathing, thinking. Any of it might've scared L away, along with the cold touch of his fingers on Matsuda’s cheek.

He couldn't believe what was happening. All attempts at not turning the absolute shade of a beet failed in that moment, and as L pulled away, he couldn't figure out what to say. Thank you? Thank you! What are you doing Ryuzaki? Do you want me to implode Ryuzaki?

"See", Misa whispered, but loud enough for Matsuda and L to hear as well.

"They  _ are _ dating!" she said with excited conviction.

"I don't believe it for a second", Light said, glaring at them.

"You don't have too", L began, now removed from Matsuda's inner circle of intimacy. Having left Matsuda alone to process the world expanding before him.   
  
The waiter arrived with their drinks, relieving some of the tension. Misa cheered, and all of them thanked their server.

"Why don't we play a game", L suggested with a small characteristic smile.

\------

Having had their treats and a hectic round of Trivial Pursuit at the cafe, the four of them were now walking home. Misa and L walked in front, her arm crooked around his as she laughed. Matsuda and Light came after, Light sour and muttering. He and Matsuda had lost Trivial Pursuit. 

"He's really trying to tick me off on purpose, isn't he?" Light gritted between his teeth.

"He's mocking me, pairing up with the stupidest one of us to prove he can beat me without effort", he added, speaking more at Matsuda than too him.

"Light", Matsuda answered anyway, "L said he teamed up with Misa to strengthen his weakness when it came to pop trivia, knowing Misa has worked in the media with several stars… Anyway, what reason could he possibly have to mock you?"

Light glared at matsuda, his shoulders stiff with annoyance.

"He wants to put me in my place. Make me feel shame.”

"I really don't think that Light. Ryuzaki isn't the type of man who would put in energy just to mock someone”. Matsuda trailed off and with a heartbeat stopped in his tracks, realizing what he had said.

"He really… isn't.”

Light looked at him with disappointment, before rolling his eyes.

"What would you know", he muttered, and turned around to keep walking, leaving Matsuda behind.

Realizing his feet still weren't moving, he snapped out of his realization and jolted after the rest of them back to headquarters.

\------

Light had stormed off quickly when they arrived back to their “home”, perhaps to his room. Misa didn’t notice his absence at first due to conversing with L, who she had apparently really hit it off with to Matsuda’s surprise. As she noticed her boyfriend was missing, she said goodbye and went to find him. Matsuda, on the other hand, was still untying his shoes.

"Matsuda-san", L said as he approached.   
  
“Hmm?”   
  
“Thank you for your help today.”

With his shoes off, he turned to L.   
  
“Oh you’re weLKHOugh”, Matsuda attempted to reply, but got stuck in a minor coughing fit. L put his hand on the other’s back, smacking it was a surprising force, which helped ease the coughs. The cold hand on Matsuda’s back remained, waiting to see if Matsuda had overcome the coughs. They were both still for a moment. Matsuda liked having L’s hands on him, so he didn’t want to move. Then L let his hand sink down Matsuda’s shoulder, almost heart throbbingly low, before lifting it off Matsuda entirely.   
L didn’t have to ask ‘are you okay’ with words. The depth of his eyes on Matsuda’s did that for him.   
  
“I’m fine!” Matsuda reassured by waving his hands dismissively at L, before continuing:

  
“You’re welcome! I’m only happy I could be of assistance. Misa seemed to enjoy herself as well”, Matsuda pointed out, smiling. “Oh but don’t you think Light was very… ungentleman-y as a boyfriend? I wouldn’t have expected that!” he added with a gasp, whispering and slightly covering his mouth with his hand to make sure his opinion would only reach L. The taller man didn’t reply, but turned his sight to the side in a manner that suggested he was giving the idea a serious thought.

  
“Well, I don’t think  _ I’d _ like a boyfriend who treated me like that at least. Then again, maybe Light is just shy”, Matsuda argued, more with himself than anyone else, and shrugged.

  
“Do you think I’d make a good one?” L interrupted.   
  
“... a..? A good what?”   
  
“A good boyfriend.”   
  
There was something about hearing L ask him that that made the whole day seem too real, like they had just been on an actual date. Matsuda tried to keep his heart still. L didn’t mean it as a proposal of course, the tiniest piece of reason within Matsuda’s mind would desperately remind him of that much.   
Even so, he ached to see if L was being serious.    
_ “Date me and find out” _ twirled in his mouth like a pearl in a clam, a treasure not to be exposed.   
  
The fake double date had been one thing, but now they were back at the headquarters.   
  


L was back to being the world famous detective, oozing unconventional authority and stoicism. Matsuda, on the other hand, was back to being the fumbling detective out of his depth with a needy heart, disrupting their investigation by demanding ethical solutions to everything. So, with a soft voice burying treasure, he tried to make his insignificance clear:

"I don’t know. I think you could do anything you set your mind to, Ryuzaki-san." 

L just looked at Matsuda. His black eyes stared into his, as if mesmerized by something. If L had something to say to Matsuda, he never got around to it. Light came back equally frenzied as when he had stormed off in, interrupting them.

"Ryuzaki, let's pull an all-nighter to make up for lost time on the Kira case because of today's ridiculous schemes", Light announced, his laptop under his arm. Misa came skipping after with striped clothes hanging from her arm, and a pack of popcorn in her hand.

"Sleepover tiiiime!" she exclaimed.

"It's work time. It’s 6pm", Light corrected.

"Look, I brought pyjamas for you too Ryuzaki", Misa continued with cheer as she held up one of the striped nightgowns she had brought, either unaware or uncaring of Light’s disapproval.

"I’m fine with this thank you”, L assured, pulling at his shirt.

  
“Okayyyy”, she replied.

  
“I’ll set up over here”, Light said and brought his computer over to one of the bigger desks equipped with some desktop computers. Misa turned to Matsuda with an apologetic pout.   
  
“Aaaa Matsuda I didn’t have any pyjamas in your size”, she said. Light groaned.   
  
“Say goodnight to your boyfriend, Ryuzaki”, Light mocked, waving at Matsuda to leave them to their work. Matsuda scowled, offended by the suggestion that he was of no use to the investigation _ he _ worked on. He was just about to object when he saw L look at him. The man’s face was cold, unrevealing, except a very faint familiar hue of pink stretching across his cheeks. The very same one that Matsuda had seen just the day before, but this time it came with a gentle smile. A smile barely visible and shown only to Matsuda, directed away from Misa and Light.

“Goodnight Touta-kun”, L said, not letting the smile fade.   
  
“G...goodnight, Matsuda replied, unable to focus on whatever objection he had planned to make. Feeling like he was without much option, Matsuda waved goodbye to all three of them before entering the hallway to look for his apartment in the headquarters.

  
He found it hard to sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think even more in this chapter than others it becomes clear that I'm characterizing the Death Note characters entierly how I see fit and find funny<3 i'm living in 2020 <3


	5. L is distracted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woops I've been meaning to post this chapters for weeks but I've always forgotten to, but here it is!

Matsuda Touta had become L Lawliet's new-found fixation. 

L was a busy man, you see, but sometimes casework couldn’t help but slow down to a lethargic pace. As he was quick with the actual work at hand, the last few weeks of his had mostly consisted of waiting for the Yotsuba group to act (maybe he’d quiz Light a little, here and there). So what was L doing with all this leisure time? Well, watching Matsuda roam around their office had become a recurring way to spend it. 

  
Matsuda wasn't a particularly efficient worker really, L would note. Not because he wasn’t dedicated. Matsuda was just slow and lacked precision. No, the man was in fact very earnest in every aspect of work, including comradery. 

Leaning backwards and tipping his head over the top of his desk chair, L viewed Matsuda, upside down. The older detective was showing Ide some kind of ridiculous dance. Endearing. L snapped his head back to his desk and shoved a muffin in his mouth.

-

L loved watching Matsuda... It began when he for some reason really wanted to know the correct color of Matsuda’s eyes and, severely escalated by their "date", led to the fixation it had now become. Misa told L he was “crushing hard”, which he supposed made sense, albeit a strange thing in his mind.

L had in fact experienced this "crushing" before, but it didn’t exactly happen often, and he certainly never went on dates. Well, he never did until one day two weeks ago when he had for the first time. Now “never went on  _ real _ dates” would be the more accurate description. Were real dates more fun? Misa insisted that they ABSOLUTELY were, and encouraged him to ask someone out for real.

  
“I can wingman you!” echoed her laugh in L’s mind as he flipped through some documents absentmindedly.  _ Now would be a good time to do some extra work on a different case, wouldn’t it?  _ he thought, but fell asleep instead. 

He dreamt that he was on a date with Light, who refused to speak anything but German, at the same cafe they visited two weeks ago.   
  
“Ich bin nicht Kira Ryuzaki.”   
  
“Jaja, toll.”   
  
The same server from two weeks ago interrupted their bickering by serving them a large layered cake, similar to a tower. It was completely made of donuts, with really minimal ones the sizes of sugar cubes at the very top. For every layer, the donut grew larger, until a huge donut covered the entire plate at the bottom. L stood up and looked into the tiny hole at the very top.   
  
“Du verlässt mich einfach?” Light asked, and suddenly the cake warped into the office breakroom, and Light was gone. The room was completely empty besides L, the sunset, and Matsuda. The other man sat up on the sofa with eyes shut, as if he were sleeping but very, very lightly. His tie was undone, allowing deep breaths, and a fresh breeze blew on his shirt to reveal one of his collarbones.

L found himself in Matsuda’s lap. The other man was awake, looking up at L in a daze. L dragged his fingers over Matsuda’s collarbones. Gently at first and then pressing, just to feel Matsuda's skeleton solid and hard, fighting the pressure. Matsuda would complain about L’s cold fingers but purr with pleasure nonetheless.    
  
“ _ That feels nice” _ , he’d decide suddenly, and then he'd kiss L. His lips. His arms and hands. Matsuda pulled all of L into his embrace and nuzzled his head into L's neck.

_ “You smell so clean” _ , he'd say while stroking L's back. Starting at the top, slowly moving further down his spine. Gentle strokes, the way you’d pet a sleeping kitten or child.   
  


Then Watari would wake him up for his afternoon tea. But.

Today Watari was Matsuda, and he handed him a cup of coffee instead.

  
“Hang in there Ryuzaki-san!” Matsuda cheered quietly as not to disturb anyone in the room, before returning to his own tedious work. L’s heart was beating sort of hard, his hand slightly shaking as he grabbed the cup.

\---

The whole task force was gathered. Misa and Matsuda had requested an audience and it was as good a choice as any to spend your afternoon on.

"Yes! The Yotsuba group is hosting a charity fundraiser ball in a few weeks and Misa Misa and company aaaaare-"

"INVITEEED" Misa cheered, finishing Matsuda's sentence.

"Which allows us a unique opportunity to find out more about which one of them is Kira, and how he kills!" Matsuda proudly exclaimed before his co-workers. Silence fell.

"Why would the Yotsuba group host a charity fundraiser???" Light asked.

"Philanthropy is the way rich people get richer, Light" Misa cooed at him.

"Matsuda, are you serious? that's absolutely-" Aizawa began, only to be interrupted by Soichiro:

"Ludicrous. That's a horrible idea, it's way too dangerous when we don't know the details of how this Kira kills."

"That's just why we need to find out how he does it, everything will be too dangerous until then", Matsuda argued, earning him a stern look from his boss.

"No one goes" L declared, turning everyone's attention to him.

"Yagami-san is correct, it's dangerous. Either way, it would be of no use for us to go" and with those words, L finished the discussion. As a result, the task force members returned to their posts, leaving Matsuda and Misa frowning where they stood. Seemingly bitter, Matsuda turned and whispered something to Misa beside him, making her light up. She turned to him and whispered something back, causing Matsuda to light up as well. The two of them almost seemed to snicker as they, too, returned to their work.    
L watched them leave in the direction of the restrooms. _ Did Matsuda prefer men or women? _ was the question that clouded L’s mind as the two of them disappeared down the corridors. Perhaps most of all, L thought, Matsuda preferred people that could make him snicker and light up? Meaning: not him. He sighed, and returned to his work as well.

\----

L stood on his legs more, paced around the break room, the hallway, the office more.

This development was not good at all, L’s heart kept skipping around whenever Matsuda smiled and he increasingly found himself wanting to-...well…L groaned to himself, scratching his wrist rather violently. He would’ve asked Watari for advice if he hadn’t already made  _ that _ mistake at 17 when he met Naomi Misora for the first time. L’s pace momentarily quickened in frustration, and then he stopped. No longer scratching his poor wrist, he thought to himself _ "I know who I can ask". _

“Yagami-san.”   
  
“Hmh?”   
Soichiro was doing a crossword on his break when L found him. The father took a sip of his coffee and-   
  
“How did you and Matsuda-san start dating?”

-swallowed it down the wrong pipe. He began coughing to get it out of his airway.   
  
“WhUGH-HUGH??”   
  
L removed Soichiro’s cup from him so he wouldn’t spill, leaving him space to calm down.   
  
“a-What are you talking about?” He asked in confusion, cheeks heated with embarrassment.   
  
“Your relationship with Matsuda”, L confirmed.   
  
“Haaaaaaa”, he sighed.   
  
“We were… intimate, but we didn’t date. Now, is there a reason for this interrogation about my personal relationships?” he said, staring at L. Probably… in anger.   
  
“No…” L lied. “Did I offend Yagami-san?”   
  
Soichiro took the coffee cup back from L and took a sip.   
  
“Not precisely, but it isn’t especially befitting of a team leader to ask his members about their sexual affairs”, he said. L bit his thumb in concentration, pondering over Soichiro’s words. Ah. Realization struck his face.   
  
“Sorry, you are correct”, L admitted. The older man relaxed against his chair with a sigh, ready to give L a reply.   
  
“Matsuda knows my family, he’s been over for dinner alongside Mogi a few times. He knew about me and my wife swinging, and so he asked if I wanted to have sex one day.”

“I see” confirmed L. “ _ Matsuda is one to take initiative. He says what he wants” _ , he thought, gnawing on his thumb once more.  _ Although he has paid me a certain fondness, that would ultimately mean...not me. _ _   
_   
“Why are you asking me this?” Soichiro inquired with confusion. L turned to face him, putting his thumbs down his pockets.   
  
“No reason”, L said, thinking he was pretty good at lying, although Soichiro clearly didn’t believe him. Nevertheless, the middle-aged man just looked at L with suspicion before deciding against asking anything more, going back to his crossword and coffee.   
_ If Matsuda is one to take initiative, I’m clearly something he doesn’t want _ , L thought as he remembered how embarrassed Matsuda had been on their fake date. It wasn’t very hard either to see why someone wouldn’t want him. L made the decision then and there to stifle his heart before it grew more erratic. With a little luck he would’ve solved the Kira case in just another month, which would make him forever free from interrupting thoughts about interrupting handsome men.

  
The speaker suddenly flicked itself on, transmitting Watari's voice:

  
"Matsuda Touta has activated the alarm on his belt, everyone’s assistance is urgently needed in the main office. The tracking device seems to suggest he is within the Yotsuba group’s main building."   
  
Soichiro had already thrown his chair to the side in the haste at which he stood up to run to the office, leaving his crossword in the middle of a letter. L stood still in shock, paralyzed by grave anguish for the first time in a very long while. Not understanding what was happening, he desperately hoped for whatever it was to be nothing but a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to end it at such a critical moment oooooeeeeaaaa but stuff is GOING ON.   
> Thank YOU for reading, random citizcen !!


	6. Perhaps not the best of plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matsuda and Misa cooked up a plan, and messed it up bad....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Although altered with, this chapter depics the events during the "Matsuda" Episode in death note. Apparently this one takes place at a charity fundraiser but alot is the same ?? my head kinda slipped there ksdds)

The mattress softened Matsuda's fall, but it hurt nonetheless. Soichiro stared at him with anguish as he whined in pain from the fall.

The intercom in Soichiro's belt beeped, trying to get his attention. When Matsuda turned around to face him with a sheepish smile, Soichiro snapped out of inaction, and answered the call.

"Yes, he's alright" Soichiro confirmed to the intercom as he gestured for Matsuda to get off his hurt ass and go. Mogi, located at the other side of the mattress, now picked it up and hastily went along with Soichiro. Matsuda caught the haste, and followed right behind them.

"No, he's not hurt. Hm? Not what we could see, no. They all seemed too shocked." 

The three of them ran carefully in the darkness through a sort of office-like floor of the building. Not being able to see all the furniture in the haste at which they were moving, Matsuda struggled to keep up without falling over any chairs in the quick turns. If Mogi hadn't been such a lighthouse in the dark because of his size, Matsuda feared he would've gotten lost.

"What? not right now. He's fine, you can speak to him once we get out" Soichiro muttered before ending the call. He gestured to Mogi and Matsuda to turn up ahead. Matsuda ran straight into Mogi around the corner, who had stopped dead in his tracks. He opened his eyes after the collision to find Mogi and Soichiro both standing still, staring at him with anger. Weren't they in a hurry? He was disoriented to say the least, and very anxious to get out of there.

"Why are you stopping fo-" Matsuda began before Mogi’s hand covered his mouth. Soichiro mimicked a "shhhh" gesture at Matsuda, who kept quiet.

  
Suddenly, the entire yotsuba group came rushing down the stairs, cursing and in a hurry to get out of there.

  
When the floor returned to its quiet dark with their departure, Soichiro's anger returned directed at Matsuda. Mogi let go of his mouth.

"Thank y-"

"What the  _ fuck  _ do you think you’re doing???" Soichiro snapped, at which even Mogi jumped in schock. The chief never swore, and despite his hissing whisper of a delivery it was hard to not react at the sheer amount of anger steaming out of his voice.

"A-a- I-" Matsuda began, although his head was as empty as a tin can.

"Never have I seen you display _ this  _ much insolence, are you out of your mind?! Directly going against orders and recommendation to perform a dangerous undercover mission together with a  _ pop idol _ who has _ NO _ police training, putting both of you in direct vicinity to a potential serial killer with _ literal magic  _ up his sleeve!!!” The chief interrupted, almost shouting by now.   
  
“Sir-” Mogi tried, putting his hands up between Soichiro and Matsuda, but the chief wouldn’t stop.   
  
“If we hadn’t managed to trick those men, and we _ barely _ managed, you both would’ve been  _ DEAD _ now. DEAD Matsuda!!!”

“I didn’t- we never meant to end up like  _ this _ -”    
  
“ _ Oh _ ?”, Soichiro mocked. “Ohno Sorry My Fault. You two never  _ planned _ for your plans to go to shit, it was all a mistake! PHEW. I’m sure that would’ve been a comfort to everyone who loves you as they light candles by your grave” The chief snapped, clearly shaken up himself, and ended the conversation by turning around. Soichiro had spoken, and had no ambition of making it a conversation. He kept walking, leading them out of there.   
  
Matsuda’s heart burnt, he felt like a faulty toolbox rather than a person. Despite his wishes to keep it in, tears formed in his eyes. Thinking about his grandma by  _ his  _ grave, made those tears almost tip over. Mogi's anger turned to pity when he saw. _ “Great”  _ matsuda thought, “ _ and here I thought it couldn't get worse” _ . Mogi pushed the other end of the maddress to Matsuda, requesting help with the load. Matsuda grabbed the other end, and in silence they carried the maddress following Soichiro's footsteps, leading out of the building.

\------

The Yotsuba group had been none the wiser about Matsuda's fake death. He learnt about the logistics of the mission the task force just carried out for his and Misa’s sake, and it hurt his head. He could barely think and the shame he was feeling drowned him.

Soichiro was driving their escape car, with Mogi on the other passenger seat in front. Matsuda sat in the back, still as stone. Mogi received a call.   
  
“Yes. Yes. Good, I’ll tell him. We’re driving back then.” Mogi’s voice wasn’t as stoic as it used to be, but it didn’t waver. He hung up, putting his cellphone back in his pocket before informing his boss about the call.

  
“Misa is safe as well” Mogi said, and Matsuda couldn’t help but release the breath he had apparently been holding. Soichiro grunted in annoyance at this, but confirmed the message.   
  
“Good”   
  
“We’re meeting back at HQ,” Mogi continued.   
  
“They suspect nothing?”   
  
“No. Not one of them, or anyone else, either went back to check or in any way decided to tail us or the ambulance. My theory would be that they believe they’re the ones escaping.”

“Great”   
  


Soichiro returned to silence, as did Mogi. No one had anything to say, but Matsuda. Staying clear of stumbling across his own words, he attempted to apologize.   
  
“I’m Sorry”

“....”

“....”

  
Mogi glanced back at Matsuda slightly, Soichiro kept his eyes on the road.

“This was a- a disastrous plan. I’m so sorry. I- I cannot thank you enough for coming to aid us I. I will. I will of course take full respons-”

“Stop” Soichiro interrupted, shutting Matsuda up without any effort. The younger officer’s eyes were wide open, looking down. He probably dared not continue even if he wanted too.   
  
“I’m just glad we’re all safe” Soichiro gritted through his teeth, clearly still angry as a bull. Matsuda pinched himself.

The rest of the ride back was quiet.

\----

“Matsui!” Misa gasped as the three men walked into HQ. She waved at him with confidence, nervous but eager to connect. Matsuda saw her and waved back, profoundly relieved to see her despite already knowing she made it out alright. The rest of the task force was there, and they were all staring at Matsuda. Faces mixed with relief, anger and disappointment struck him like knives. He wished intensely for this day to be over, focusing on the relief of locking himself up in his room.

Soichiro dropped the car keys at the coffee table, covered by case files. He loosened his tie and walked in the direction of their living quarters, passing L.   
  


“It’s nearly 1 am and I suspect the majority of us are very tired. Since we’re safe for now, how about we continue this in the morning?” He asked L, his eyes lidded in exhaustion.

  
“Sure” L couldn’t help but reply.    
They did have much work left to do, especially now, but he realized that Soichiro was the one with more experience in leading a task force. L usually didn’t have reign over a group of people like this. If Soichiro said they needed rest, L wasn’t about to argue. Most of the work he could do by himself now. Either way, it aligned well with what he wanted most, too. Namely, for everyone but Matsuda to get out of the room.

“Dad” Light tried to get his father’s attention as the man shuffled away to their living quarters. The son followed. Perhaps in worry, perhaps not, with Light you never know.   
  
Following their suit, the rest of the task force quietly began getting their stuff to go to their living quarters as well. Not living with the others, Aizawa went and got his shoes and personal belongings, preparing to drive home to his daughter and wife. Not one of them spoke up, and the room filled with the echoes of shoes and zippers.

  
Misa and Matsuda went over to each other and hugged. It wasn’t possible to hear, but L thought he could see them whisper softly, comforting each other in the midst of the cold room. Misa let the hug go, and instead grabbed Matsuda’s hand. They began walking out of the main office. Hand in hand.  _ wait  _ L thought, and his stomach turned. 

“MATSUDA” he shouted, to his own surprise. Apparently to Misa and Matsuda’s surprise as well. Both of them turned to look at L with confusion.

  
“I need to.. speak to you” L improvised. Matsuda watched L with worry, too nervous to even try to mask it. He was expecting L to scold him, L knew, and L would, but right now he didn’t have anything to say to Matsuda. He just wanted Matsuda to stay.   
  
With silence and no further instructions, Matsuda gave Misa a last look and walked back towards L. Misa was giving L a dirty look behind Matsuda’s back, which L found compelling, but after that she soon turned around and continued towards the living quarters.   
  
Matsuda stood a few meters away from him. L was so, so happy to see him safe.   
  
“Yes?” He asked. It pained L how small his subordinate’s voice was. A vulnerable man offering L his dignity on a silver plate, ready to be crushed. L shivered.   
  
“Why did you do this?”   
  
“I...w...we”   
  
L couldn’t hear.   
  
“Ah, speak up?”   
  
“WE- we just wanted to be of some use, to help the investigation out!” Matsuda said, speaking up and standing straight.   
  
“I don’t get it” L circled around the subject, not thinking clearly. Matsuda’s body exhaled, making his stance less stiff.   
  
“H-huh?”   
  
“You already work for the investigation, and Misa is a suspect yet she too is helping when asked to assist. Both of you resisting orders, going behind our back, feels more like mutiny than help”   
  
“W- what?! No-! L- Ryuzaki we would- We would never!” Matsuda’s face grew even more worried, contorting almost into panic. It stressed L out.   
  
“We would never, never do anything to purposely screw this investigation ove-” Matsuda stressed desperately, before L’s fist came down on his head and the surprise of the hit rendered him speechless. L murmured "stupid" under his breath as he tried to calm himself. He was terrible at dealing with his feelings in action. He wanted desperately to de-escalate whatever was happening.   
  
L’s punch hadn’t been hard, it wouldn’t even create a bump,   
but the symbolic gesture drove Matsuda to tears. He was tired, anxious, filled with shame and everything was wrong, all wrong.    
  
“I just thought” Matsuda sniffed, “I just wanted to be of more help, I’m- I’m always in the way, or doing pointless tasks or-” He took a deep breath as his tears finally fell. Holding his breath and shutting his eyes, he wished for his voice not to waver as he continued. L watched him exhale.   
  
“I thought the information we found could be valuable, but I see now that it was a foolish risk! Where it not for you I would’ve died” L twitched at the last word. Matsuda bowed and let out a sob that refused to stay in.   
“Thank you for saving my life”.   
In shame he wiped his tears with the arm of his suit, getting the cuffs visibly wet.    
  
L’s heart was ripping at every seam of his body, he couldn’t believe it. He hadn’t felt this vulnerable since… and his mind was nowhere to be found.   
Cursed mirror neurons, cursed empathy, cursed premotor cortex, or wherever it’s all hiding. L’s entire brain itched, he grunted in annoyance.    
That’s when Matsuda felt cold hands on his back. L’s hands. He straightened his posture, only to find his body wrapped in long slim arms, and his face all of a sudden covered in a nest of black hair. L was hugging him. L was hugging him very tight, actually. Matsuda hiccupped.   
  
“Do you always hiccup when you cry?” L asked, his voice whispering so close to Matsuda’s ear that the crying man couldn’t help but blush. He could feel his cheeks grow warm as the tears he shed felt colder against his skin. L had hugged him once before but.. not like this.   
  
“ah- I.. I don’t know” Matsuda managed. L just held him tighter.   
They stood there, both of them, in silence. The office was empty and cold, not that either of them could feel that. Both men found themselves getting too warm for comfort inside that tight hug. It seemed to last forever, but still not long enough. Matsuda dreaded the end.   
L’s fingers felt like a net, and Matsuda couldn’t help but chuckle slightly at how ridiculous that thought was. He wondered if it was L’s smile he could feel on his neck. Slowly, the fingers and their digits traveled across his back, almost stroking him.   
  
“I’m angry at you” L whispered. Matsuda’s heartbeat blossomed, beating at his chest. His only response was a wavering exhale.   
  
“Don’t ever do something like that again” L said, and the man meant it. His voice was low but stern. Matsuda swallowed his heartbeat, almost paralyzed in L’s embrace now.   
  
“ ha..hiccup, you mean?” Matsuda tried to joke, but L didn’t laugh. L bit him.   
  
“ _ AUCH _ ” Matsuda yelped in surprise, and with that their embrace broke as L almost pushed Matsuda out of his arms. They both stared at each other in complete shock, Matsuda gently rubbing the left side of his neck where L bit him. The famous detective’s eyes had always been large to Matsuda, but now they were wider than he had ever seen them. The realization struck him that L seemed to be  _ more _ in shock than himself. The sight absolutely boggled his mind, and then he saw the way L’s hands were pulled close to his body, gripping at his own shirt as if to protect himself. It was the most uncharacteristic stance he’s ever seen in his life, and once the shock settled slightly for him Matsuda couldn’t help but break out in laughter at how overwhelming all of it was.   
L let go of his grip around his white shirt, and stared. Matsuda’s laughter echoed in the empty office, before it came to an end.   
  
“ahaaha-w-WAIT” Matsuda yelped. He recognized L’s stance from when he and Light had fought a few weeks ago. L was definitely about to kick him right in the face, even if the shock in his own was still there.   
  
“S-sorry???” Matsuda pleaded with a chuckle in confusion, holding his hands up towards L to calm them both down. Matsuda wore a ridiculous smirk, not understanding any of what was happening. L’s face returned to normal, as did his stance.   
  
“Goodnight Matsuda-san” L said in his usual monotone voice, putting his hands in his jeans pockets. He turned and began walking towards his private office at the living quarters (aka, his room).  _ Wait wait wait what what _ rang in Matsuda’s head, and he reached out to grab L’s shirt, hoping to get his attention. L turned, looking down at Matsuda once again. L’s cheeks were all red, Matsuda noted, at which his own heart purred like a kitten. He re-grabbed L’s shirt, afraid he would melt away otherwise, and swallowed his heartbeat (again).    
Whatever side of himself L had just shown Matsuda, it was  _ adorable _ . Without hesitation Matsuda knew now that he was head over heels for the man in front of him, and he didn’t want to let go.   
  
“what” L mumbled, trying to sound stern. Matsuda’s face was still stuck in that ridiculous shocked smirk as he stared. L did make a point of memorizing the look of Matsuda's smile and beet red face together, filing it away correctly as “ _ cute _ ”.   
  
“I’m… afraid of Kira.” Matsuda said, smirking.   
“can I sleep in your room tonight? I can bring the mattress from my own room and-”   
  
“ok” L agreed, strangely enough. He didn’t even care about the obvious lie.   
“but I will be working all night” he informed the other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ACAB


End file.
